There was a young lady who swallowed a screw

Zoey has a little doggy coat hook in her bedroom that has been falling off the wall for weeks now. One of those things you keep meaning to fix...and then you don't. So, one night last week, as we were getting ready for bed, Zoey informs me she just popped the screw from the wall in her mouth and swallowed it.

Me: You did not. You DID NOT swallow that screw. Did you??

Zoey: Yup. I ate it. It's in my tummy now, and you'll never see it again!

She seemed inordinately proud of herself for swallowing a small, but pointy, piece of metal. Luckily, Abby was visiting from Colorado, and after a brief conference with her in the living room, we picked calling our mom over a trip to the ER.

Mom seemed reasonably well assured that the small screw would pass through Zoey's system without causing much harm. Which was all I needed to hear. Because really, who wants to visit Urgent Care at 8 p.m. if they don't have to? Then she asked to speak to her granddaughter.

Zoey: Hi Oma! Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah! I swallowed it! It's in my tummy now!

(pause for Oma's obvious question...why did you eat a screw, Zoey?)

Zoey: Because I was hungry!

Which is pretty much what you DON'T want your kid telling the ER doctor when you take them in at 8 p.m. to assess the metal in their stomach. Thank God she didn't get her hands on something larger and more dangerous.

So. As we were tucking in for bed, we re-visited the idea that putting anything besides food in our mouth is just NOT, you know, a great idea. That Mommy has food in the cupboards to eat if anyone happens to be hungry. I covered nothing-in-the-ears-and-nose too, for good measure.

Oh, and we also touched on the fact that Mommy could, if she wanted to (but she doesn't) find that screw again in a few days. In fact, everything that goes in does inevitably come back out the other end.

She was totally horrified by this information and looked at me like I was just making this shit up to scare her.

So anyway, we're one week post-screw-swallowing and, with no signs of bowel perforation, I think we're safe. I'll be keeping a closer eye on my tool box and the kitchen knives, though, JUST IN CASE.